Somebody Dig Up Tom Snyder and Put Him Behind a Microphone

"at 11:30 he's so funny,...it's nice to have you on the show tonight,...when guests are boring he fills up the slack,...the network always breaks his back"

As you're probably aware, Conan O'Brien (a genuinly good guy by all accounts) will be replacing Jay Leno's hour of Monica Lewinsky jokes. Good for Conan, well deserved replacing that egotistical, jerk-off stiff. The Tonight Show is an exclusive club, Steve Allen (never a fan of his), Jack Parr (I'm too young to rember him hosting but have seen clips and he was really good), Johnny (the best of all late night, no, all T.V. hosts), Jay (good writers, bad interviewer, career kiss ass), now Conan. I've been a fan of Conan's since Day 1, saw the first show, the writing was edgy, thought he was charmingly awkward, felt the Max Weinberg Seven was the best late night band that I had heard (sorry Doc, sorry Paul) and thought Andy Richter was a snarkier, more charismatic sideman than the legendary king of second bannanas, Ed McMahon.
My whole problem with this is that my all time favorite is Letterman. Been watching since, well, forever. Should have been handed the Tonight Show on a platter, but had enemies at NBC. He is the best interviewer of all time. Period. There is a reason why Crispin Glover, Madonna and recently Joaquin Pheonix had their pre-rehearsed (w/o Dave's knowledge) and highly publicised meltdowns on Dave's show and not Regis's, Arsenio's, Magic Johnson's, Johnny's, Rachel Ray's, Jimmy Kimmel's, Carson Daly's, Ellen's, Jon Stewart's, Craig Fergison's, Merv's, Mike Douglas's

or especially Jay's shows. Jay would have gone to commercial, wet his pants, fired a staffer and by the end of the break the troublesome guest would be gone without a mention. Dave has the balls. His taking on Bill O'Reilly, Cher and many other bloated celebrities is legendary. My favorite of all time is from about 20 years ago, Marilyn vos Savant, the syndicated advice writer for the low-rent Parade Magazine insert that comes in Sunday paper comics/advertising sections. Guinness Book has her listed as the woman with the highest I.Q. Dave gave her space, but as the very conceited vos Savant dug a deeper hole for herself, Dave took her to task. As I recall, the interview ended with Dave saying something like "You may be the world's smartest woman, I'm just a doofus, but why did I just get done sweeping the floor with you?" just before going to commercial. Dave is best when backed into a corner.
Dave is also the most sincere. His tributes to regulars Paul Newman, Calvert DeForest (Larry "Bud" Melman) and his thoughts on Sept. 11, on the first show after the attacks, are pure class. I've never heard more succinct eulogies for any of these situations.
Now the quandary. During frequent bouts of insomnia my lineup for 16 years has been Dave then, if I could manage, Conan. I hope Conan doesn't cave in to corporate pressure and pussify his writers into making Conan more Tonight Show friendly. I know the "Masturbating Bear" is already gone, from watching the brilliant last week of Conan on Late Nite. He's not used much anymore, but please don't kill off Robert Smigel's hillarious "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog". For the love of Christ, don't become over produced and slick like the way the douche bags that totally fucked up the Tonight Show fucked it up. I hope even corporate dick licker Leno didn't like it. Shit, maybe he did. Got higher ratings than Letterman. Go figure. The American public, American Idol worshipers have no taste.

Bottom line: It's a tough choice but I know Dave will continue to be edgy, irreverant, grumpy and in your face. I hope they bring Andy Richter back for the Tonight Show and Conan will continue to have bawdy, politically-incorrect comedic filler bits. If they monkey with the formula too much, Dave gets the nod, until retirement, which I selfishly hope never happens. Dave, after all, you are the king of late night. Maybe I'll get a job that starts at 5:00AM and bag the whole thing, maybe I'll call it a day on the networks and switch to the humoursly talented Steven Colbert. Shit. I don't have cable. I didn't mean those last comments. I love you NBC. And CBS. Just in case ABC. And Fox. Please don't cut me off with the digital transition on June 12th, please. I beg of you. I am your humble servant.

It's Really Nice to See the Two Parties Unify in the Spirit of Cooperation with a New Administration

"I entertain by picking brains, sell my soul by dropping names, I dont like those, my God, whats that, oh its full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back"

Ann Coulter has a new book out and has been on the talk show circuit. Obama hasn't taken office yet and she's already slamming him. Fuckin' cunt. At least the Prez-elect didn't need to steal the election. I can understand how Michael Medved, Sean Hannity, Bill Bennett and even Rush Limbaugh have a following. But Coulter? Who could possibly support her? Does she have a point? Maybe in her next book she can visit with the 911 widows and rejoice with them over how rewarding it was to "enjoy" having to prepare a funeral (sans remains) for your spouse. The fucking nerve, especially since the attacks were an inside job. Perhaps she can interview Bubba and his former V.P. and call them "latent homosexual" and "fag" to their faces. If there's anyone confused with their sexuality, it's you, Ann. That's the source of your anger and the bile you spew forth. Did I call her a cunt yet? If I didn't let me do it now. What a cunt. What a fucking cunt. Emphisis on cunt. Cunt.

The Jett Set

Ya know, I don't really care that the kid was left in the care of the nanny who is the superstar's limp-wristed stealth lover. It doesn't really phase me that the celebrity couple belong to this kooky pseudo religion (all religions are pseudo) that brainwashes top movie actors into thinking they don't need psychiatric medicine to treat brain disorders. It's not my cross-to-bear that the 16y.o. had autism and the parents were in denial about it and blamed it on a Japanese motorcycle desease caused by rug shampoo. I'm not really judgmental that it took a dozen hours to find the body because they were probably out partying. I don't really mind that the gene pool made the teen look like a overweight, zoned-out Vinny Barbarino. For Christ sake, did you think they wanted this tragedy to befall them? What I really, really think is exceedingly unforgivable is that the poor kid has to spend all of eternity in Ocala.
That's messed up.

"The Tale of Two Ford Mavericks"

"laugh about it, shout about it, when you've got to choose, any way you look at it you lose"

Children, lets gather round to hear Libations and Medications, "The Tale of Two Ford Mavericks". One was an old Maverick from Arizona. Arizona is very hot. He spent too much time in the hot sun and his paint job was peeling. There is a big race every four years. This Maverick wanted to win the big race very, very much. Sometimes this made the Maverick very mad and he would blow a head gasket. The old Ford needed another Maverick to run the race with him. Who could he choose? I know, lets have a newer model Maverick from Alaska race with us! Alaska is very cold. The cold caused this Maverick's engine to sputter when asked important questions. The old Maverick didn't seem to mind. The newer Maverick was outfitted with shiny new accessories for the big race. In the big race the Mavericks were racing against a brand new shiny black Pontiac. Many people wanted the Pontiac to win. The Mavericks did not! This caused the Mavericks to continually run off the race track and blow smoke from their exhausts. The Pontiac always stayed on the race track. The Pontiac won the big race! In the end the newer Maverick said she wanted to try to win the big race against the Pontiac in another four years. The old Maverick was towed to a scrapyard where he spent the rest of his days.

The End.

God Only Knows

"the only one that could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man"

Through my exhaustive investigative research, I have uncovered a video that will be leaked by the McCain camp just days before the election, a rare look into the ministry of the Reverend Jeramiah Wright.

The Simpsons

"lying out there like a killer in the sun"

Brentwood, Al Cowlings, white Ford Bronco, slow speed chase, Alan Dershowitz, Robert Shapiro, Barry Scheck, Robert Kardashian, Gerald Uelmen, F. Lee Bailey, Johnny Cochran, Christopher Darden, Marcia Clark, Mark Fuhrman, 'Kato' Kaelin, McDonalds, Hertz convention, DNA evidence, "ugly ass Bruno Magli shoes", "if it doesn't fit you must acquit", racial division, "now I can find the real killers", civil trial, Hiesman trophy, If I Did It, sports memorabilia dealers, Las Vegas armed robbery and kidnapping, Fred Goldman, Ron Goldman, Nicole Brown Simpson. The Juice is not on the loose, they're finally putting this world class creep behind bars for good. He felt as if he was above the law. We're all aware of that priviledge being reserved only for the current White House administration. Let's never hear from this egotistical media whore again. No prison interviews, no books, no autograph deals to be signed from behind bars. Just have his circus fade away. For O.J. to be forgotten would be his biggest punishment.